I am a passionate follower of Jesus Christ, who claims victory over childhood abandonment, self-medication and toxic shame. I still struggle with codependency, depression and insecurity and my name is Dano.

The old me

I grew up in Northern California in the early 60’s, by a couple of dysfunctional empty nesters. As a child, my parents never spent time with me. The idea of having either one of them read to me or play catch with me, take me to a park, was never a reality.

When school was difficult, asking mom or dad for help was never an option, just figure it out, get a bad grade and realize you’re no good, were common struggles through elementary school.

My parents were more consumed with working, and partying than spending time with me, which made me feel second rate; that their priority was anything but me, and that I was an emotional burden to them. 

I learned that a child has no way to naturally logic through things, so they use their emotions and take things personal. When I didn’t get my parent’s attention I develop feelings of worthlessness.

In my unhealthy childhood environment I lacked the emotional basics of safety, protection and security. This impacted my concept of boundaries and I struggled with trust, comfort, fear and danger.  The natural boundaries that should have been established and nurtured by my parents were neglected and distorted.

In those formative years when I should have been learning about emotions and feelings, I was emotionally abandoned and suppressed, and confused.

Whenever we were together as a family, they were always consumed with their own agenda and desires. If others were around it was always, “go play, be quiet and leave us alone”. This was not limited to our home, it was everywhere. I don’t know how many hours I sat in the car outside of bars waiting for them to come out and take me home.

When my dad died, I was 12, it created even more damaging effects; my mom fell victim to alcohol addiction and I was now physically abandoned to fend for myself.

The reality was that our roles flipped and I became the parent and took care of my mom.  The essentially put me in a condition where I actually abandoned my childhood needs of desiring to be loved and nurtured. My focus shifted to earn approval; avoid conflict; and minimize chaos.

The issue was that stability and predictability were not present in a my life, and I lost my childhood and took on the role of being the responsible, provider and care-taker.

Fantasizing what life should be like and disassociating with what is experienced was my operandum and I perfected that over the years.

If things were not right; I needed to do more. When not achieving or accomplishing, insecurity is established, depression and worthlessness soon follows.

My thoughts of a healthy life was based solely on lack of chaos. If things were calm and no tragedy was erupting around me, things were good. When drama and chaos ensued, I needed to take action, hide or deflect the feelings of failure.  This was an endless battle in life with a full time drunk mother and numerous dysfunctional guests.  When I could not fix a situation, I would abandon the effort and escape. I would go play with neighbor kids and pretend all was okay and I just fanaticized that home life was not real. Or as we say in CR, in DENIAL.  

The shame and embarrassment was so toxic that I did not invite any friends to our house and any time discussions began about my family I diverted attention to other topics to avoid the pain, hurt and anger. Recently I was reminded of many times where I was away from home for days without anyone worrying and caring. This diminished my concept of self-worth.

 Insecure and fearful, I became a peacemaker, a rescuer, a fixer.

During my struggles as a teenager, I snuck alcohol out to a playground to impress my friends. Finding out that the shock factor of others gave a great deal of attention, plus it could allow me to deal with my confusing emotions and feelings.  This behavior over the years, ended up leading to drug abuse, continued mental confusion and an unhealthy lifestyle.

With a desire to be accepted, I measured all situations whether people liked me or not. If people liked me, I was okay. If they did not like me, I was bad.

My go to response to situations was to try to fix and control situations, but if that was not possible, I would argue, blame and fight for my stance, but more often than not, I would give up, and run.  This behavior was evident with the abortion I forced my high school girlfrend to have, run ins with the law, numerous financial failures, divorces and multiple DUIs.

To prove that I was different and worthy, I developed a behavior to perform and excel over others. This results in great job performance and exceptional work ethics. When no one in my family or friends went to college, I did. When no one graduated, I did. When no one even thought of getting a Masters Degree, I did. In a way to mask my substance abuse problem, I got my Master’s Degree in just two years while working full-time and partying every single night.

All of this never satisfied my inner feelings and void, but I could prove my worth among those around me.

My dysfunctional thinking and poor behaviors had destroyed so much .  At 30 years old, I was strung out on a week-long runner, doing massive quantities of methamphetamines, cocaine and chasing it with gallons of alcohol.  I was the epitome of a functional addict. 

With my poor mental health condition, I was depressed, unsatisfied and suicidal. I had hit bottom and did not want to live another 30 years of the life I had created. That night, for some reason, I walked down the hall and flushed my drugs down the toilet to never use again.

I continued to drink though, trying to manage my chaos and life the only way I knew: self-medicate, defend and/or run.  Then a few days later, a young couple knocked on my door and invited me to church. I took the invitation and 3 months later I was baptized.  My insecurity, and fear of shame engaged and I became a religious, functioning alcoholic for the next 12 years of my life.

Alcohol was legal and since Jesus made wine for His first miracle it just allowed me to justify my sin.

Working my recovery

In 2005, I was living at my sister’s house going through my last divorce, when she invited me to this treatment program for my niece, called Celebrate Recovery. I was surprised at the variety of messed up people attending and they were not just there because of drug and alcohol issues, as I expected.  They had all kinds of problems! This environment was inviting and there was no sense of competition or people pretending to be someone they weren’t.

In the 101, newcomers meeting, the facilitator was an older man that was like 16 years clean of alcohol and that just seemed unreal to me.  As we learned about Celebrate Recovery and how it was different from other programs, he said something that stuck with me to this day.  He said: “You can either hit rock bottom, or rock-ready”.  I had hit rock bottom so many times, I had lost count, but was I ready? (remember that challenging question, it comes up again) I have come to believe… “until our pain exceeds our pride, we will continue to do what we think is right, even if we know it is wrong”. Scripture tells us many times that “there is a way that seems right to a person, but its end is the way to death (Proverbs 14:12, 16:25)

Open-share groups were an interesting experience for me where I could hear of others struggles with their life experiences and emotions and feelings. It was a starting point for me to learn how to express my feelings and confusion. I learned that I was not alone.

The awakening

After about a month or so of attending CR, I joined a Men’s Step Study.  I was rejuvenated with this new opportunity to get “Better”. Well as the weeks went by and I studied the steps and bonded with other men that really wanted to get healed, I began to really get serious about praying and relating to God.

On January 3, 2006, I had been battling a cold and on that morning, I was in for an event of a lifetime.  When I tried to wake up, my eyes would not focus, it was dark in the room and when I attempted to get up to turn on the light, much to my surprise I plunged right into the wall and onto the floor, just steps from the bed.

My sister rushed into my room to see if I was ok. She turned on the light and my eyes were definitely not operating properly as everything was blurry and disoriented.  In an instant, I panicked, when I tried to speak, my heart skipped a beat. It was like someone had stuffed a pair of socks in my mouth. I could not make a human sound. My sister loaded me in the car and rushed me to the emergency room. After 6 hours in the emergency room and every imaginable test, they diagnosed me with Guillain-Barre Syndrome.  My immune system was attacking my own body and shutting it down.  For 3 days I was literally paralyzed living on a feeding tube, fighting for my life. There was no physical pain, and I was still mentally wide awake.  I had three bags of globulin that they were going to put through me to stop the action. If that did not make any impact they were going to airlift me to Salt Lake City to drain all my blood and try to start over.

It was during this exhaustive time that my savior came and discussed the situation I was in.  There was no image sitting on the bed or angels flying around the room. I would not have been able to see them anyway and he knew that was not what I needed either. See he came to me and asked me the question of a lifetime. Are you ready?

I was terrified inside. What did he mean? Judgement? Heaven? Hell?  Surprisingly, all the scriptures and actions of my life did not flash before my eyes. No, far from it.  He was asking me if I wanted to live.  On that day, we had the most life changing heart-to-heart talk that I have ever experienced.  To this day and until I cannot breathe anymore, I will live my life for my savior, Jesus Christ.

See, my honesty in prayer life and desire to pursue him took me to a place that I needed to be dealt with. I would never let anyone here on earth confront me, I was too proud, and I would either fight them for my point of view or run away or avoid them if the arguments were about to reveal too much of me that I did not want out. But that night, my Savior asked me if I was serious about wanting to live and if it was His will or my will that was going to direct my life. As you can tell today, I elected to surrender to His will.  I lived in the hospital for 4 months, learning to talk, walk, see, eat and function as a new creature. I am standing here today as a miracle before you to say, there is more to your life than what you think.

The new me

During that hospital stay I learned who my real family and friends were. The men in my 12 step group kept meeting with me through all this and I never missed a week during that whole ordeal.  

It has been through the CR step-studies where real change and healing has occurred. Over the years I have attended multiple step-studies and each one has had a specific topic that was addressed. He chose what to address in what order. I have experienced so much change through the community at Celebrate Recovery. In my latest step-study, He determined it was time to address the main root of who I am and what I have dealt with for my life.

I never knew myself, did now know how to like myself, let alone love myself. Without loving myself, any attempt of loving and caring for others was just hard work and inauthentic.

    I have come to realize that for years I was trying so hard to live a good life and have God approve it. Now I understand my life is His and life is truly much easier following His plan for my life and being led by the Holy Spirit.  Because I don’t have to have God approve or bless my actions when they are His to begin with!

I have come to understand that “hurt people, hurt people”. This means that offense will happen, but I make the decision to be offended or not.

Now when I feel emotions, and they don’t make sense or cause confusion, I know that I can take my uncertainty to God. I don’t have to self-medicate or run from emotions. Many emotions are painful and unjustified, but the Bible tells me that there will be a day of no more tears and no more pain. Until that time comes, there will be challenges and unpleasant events and emotions.

In the past couple of years I have faced many difficult situations where people near me openly shared their disappointment, frustration and anger with me.

As painful as these situations have been, I was able to not run, and face the individuals as they shared their feelings and thoughts, while redefining healthy boundaries. I have come to understand that each person has their rights to their emotions, feelings and thoughts, and I don’t have to own them, fix them, or respond to them.

My relationship with Jesus lets me embrace their situation, have compassion and love them more like Jesus. He has made it clear that not everyone in this world will like me, and that is okay.

One statement that always brings a smile to my face is: “the next thing you know, you are not who you were”. There are many areas of my old life that have just vanished.  Such as inner desires to get attention and approval of others. I now know I am accepted by Jesus and it is a joy to do things with Him, whether others know or acknowledge it at all.  See God is love and if I truly abide in Him, I can spend time with people unconditionally, because I don’t need others approval any more. He leads me daily. It is an indescribable joy to get up with no agenda and do His will. To have a desire to see what he does each day and to have the joyful faith that when I abide in Him, I will not put my head down at night the same man that woke up. 

    I am finally at peace in my life. Sure I have screwed up a lot of things, I continue to make mistakes and life could be easier, but through Celebrate Recovery I have learned how to make amends to those I have hurt and I have repented of my evil ways. I continue to take personal inventory and address my sins as soon as I can.  This allows me to have no resentments, regrets or issues that have haunted me for years previously.  I now have a passionate heart for God and He will never abandon me, which gives me a comfort, peace and security that I never experienced in my lifetime.

    The most important thing I want to share with you is that this Celebrate Recovery program does more than make a safe place for alcoholics and addicts.  It is an extension of Christianity.  As Romans 3:23 states “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God”.  That is ALL, not some, but all.  Every person alive needs the healing power of Jesus Christ until the day they die.  Our sin is not a one-time thing that gets wiped away.  As long as a soul is alive, it is prone to sin because of the separation that happened in “The Garden” in Genesis chapter 3. We are literally sin generators as long as we are breathing. We should not be ashamed to admit, “our lives are unmanageable”.  God knows, that is why He sent His son to die for us.  Not just for “those people”, but for all people, including you and me.

    See, Celebrate Recovery teaches us how to use the Bible to apply to our everyday life. It is not a substitute for the bible, but an application of His grace.  We don’t just memorize scriptures, they mean something to us and it becomes a way of life.    “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed.” – James 5:16.  Now that is just some good stuff, don’t we want to be healed? Don’t we want life to change? Don’t we want to get over our hurts, habits and hang-ups?  It is right there in the bible what we have to do.  There is a reason the rear view mirror is smaller than the windshield.  We need to be healed to be available to move on from our hurts and do His will. Not wallow around in our pity party, but enjoy life, because we know from John 10:10, that Jesus said: “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.”

The story continues

I came to Celebrate Recovery so messed up that I did not believe that I could be changed.  Living abundantly was never a thought, let alone an option. I figured I had worked 40 years attempting to do right and all I could do is ask for forgiveness. But Jesus and this CR program has allowed my bad behaviors and actions to be replaced one by one. I am not the man I once was and I know I am not who I will be.

    God has brought a lovely wife and extended family into my life.  Life is not easy, and definitely not simple. Life can be a real struggle some days. Frustration and disappointment raises it’s looming head often, but I have learned to take one moment at a time, accepting hardship as the pathway to peace. Emotions are not bad, feelings can be helpful when I let Jesus lead the way.

I am a leader in Celebrate Recovery, one of the West Georgia CR reps.

    I love talking and sharing about Celebrate Recovery and the healing power of Jesus Christ. If I had to pick a life verse, one of my favorites that I try to live by is Romans 12:2 – “Do not act like the sinful people of the world. Let God change your life. First of all, let Him give you a new mind. Then you will know what God wants you to do. And the things you do will be good and pleasing and perfect.” (NLV – New Life Version)

    I am sure grateful to be standing here today proclaiming the victory in Jesus that I have experienced and want to encourage all of you to don’t let this life pass you by; you are not here by mistake. Get connected with small groups, get in a step study, that is where the real healing takes place. 

The book of Revelation, chapter 12 outlines my testimony you just heard: “And they overcame him (the devil) because of the blood of the Lamb (Jesus Christ) and because of the word of their testimony, and they did not love their life even when faced with death.”

    With that, now you know how I was just moving too fast and would not stop long enough to get help, but when I cried out to the healer, He stopped me and put me in a place where I could not run, where I could not hide and where all I could do was surrender. 

Psalm 56 summarizes it as “For you rescued me from death, even my feet from stumbling, to walk before God in the light of life (56:12-13)

By His grace and love I am now 29 years clean of chemical abuse and 17 years sober of alcohol.  

If it was not for Celebrate Recovery, step-studies and forever-family, I would still be trying to manage my sin and hiding the real hurts, habits and hang-ups I had gathered over the years.